All relationships need to have clear boundaries, be it a parent/child, friendships, and in our intimate relationships, boundaries are important, they keep us safe, feeling in control and help those that interact with us understand what is going to be OK but also when they are getting close to, or have fully gone over a no-fly zone.
Most of us never think about what a boundary is, but without realising it, those feelings of frustration, anger, feeling put upon and so forth, are there simply because someone is trampling over a boundary, that in many cases we have never defined.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is there to protect your physical and mental well-being. However, it can be difficult to identify what a boundary may be for you if you have grown up in a dysfunctional home where you were not heard or nurtured or were taught that you wanted did not matter and for some of you, it was simply not safe for you to have any boundaries.
Spending time on working through your boundaries is something that I do with all my clients, even if they have good boundaries because they can and do change over time. And at the end of a relationship looking what works for you and what has changed in your life, is the perfect time to assess whether or not your boundaries still serve you. And if you don’t have any, then how to work out the process of putting them in place.
A saying I love, (by Jan Black: Better boundaries: Owning and Treasuring your life) is boundaries are like rearranging the furniture, “you do it so the room works better for you what you want it to do.”
The events leading up to a divorce are often tumultuous, just trying to keep the marriage afloat or even if you live with a form of indifference, it is very common that boundaries have become blurred and, in some cases, trampled on.
If you have never thought about what a boundary is for you, some steps you can take is to think about what upsets you? What is right or wrong for you? When have your felt upset? By looking into our emotions around events we can often figure out that feeling, be it anger, disappointment etc was fundamentally because someone crossed over a line.
There is nothing wrong with having boundaries in fact in successful relationships there are often very clear boundaries in place. For instance, what your partner is responsible for and not responsible for meeting your needs. What behaviour would be unacceptable to you such as having an affair, spending relationship property money without the other person’s input/approval and so forth.
Some boundaries are rigid, such as someone will not tolerate any abuse but for the most part boundaries have some point of flexibility in them as there will be events that occur in which you may change or something becomes more important to you and that boundary you have is no longer serving you.
Not having good boundaries is a future red flag for a new relationship for you. This is simply because issues like someone taking you for granted, not respecting you, often starts of slowly in a relationship until becomes a point of no return.
If you have a permeable boundary and you end up with someone with issues or who is manipulative, you end up on a slippery slope to be unhappy. By having clear boundaries, understanding and knowing your emotions and why your emotions are being triggered, can save you from future heartache and not living your best life.
Many clients have said to me “I have told them so many times if they don’t change I am leaving” but this has gone on for years, until sometimes the other person has been the one to leave. There is a huge difference between a request and a boundary.
A request means any response or none at all is in the other persons hands. If they ignore you, or they are unwilling to change, then suddenly you can find yourself in the situation of, what am I going to do? Because if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs then you end up being forced into a situation where you accept their answer whether you like it or not.
This leads many of us into spending years with a partner who is unable or just simply unwilling to change and we end up trading years of our lives living in unhappy unfulfilling relationships like rats on a treadmill, the cycle just goes round and round.
However, if for example, you had a boundary that physical intimacy is important for you and that you would not stay in a relationship where it did not exist, if that need becomes unmet and they will not work out a plan for change, then the consequences of their actions are clear, you will leave. Therefore, you control the outcome, you are not waiting for the other person to do that for you.
Part of my role as a coach is assisting you to work out what has blocked you from having successful relationships and what a successful relationship would look like to you in the future. So, a part of this is working on your boundaries, the ones that are important for you to live your best life, in turn making all your relationships easier to navigate and more fulfilling.
