As a divorce lawyer it is common to see a client at a totally different stage of the divorce continuum and to watch as huge legal fees are racked up.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross gave us the 5 stages of grief in her powerful book on death and dying:
-Denial
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Depression
-Acceptance
I have had many clients over the years say to me, my partner has told me we just need to separate for six months and then we will probably get back together. Usually, the reason for saying this is they are struggling to be truthful and are fearful of your reaction when they say their truth that the relationship is over.
So, to sugar coat it seems like a reasonable alternative to them to getting where they want to be, or they may be upset that they are hurting you and trying to be gentle, but it is a poor way of handling the situation and leads to more pain and confusion.
Especially so, if you are in the denial or bargaining stage, when you genuinely want to believe their breadcrumbs of hope and that in turn can end up causing you so much more pain and grief.
To further complicate matters, these stages are not neat stepping stones and it is common to move between them, for some clients they can go through several stages if not all of them, in one day, leading to a rollercoaster of feelings and thoughts.
The Property (Relationships) Act 1976 defines a separation as when one party tells the other the relationship is over, there does not have to be mutual agreement. It is important, especially if you are the one leaving, that you put it in writing so you have a paper trail of when the separation occurred. This is so there is no argument as to the date you made it clear it was over for you.
The date of separation becomes important as it is legally the only way to divorce in New Zealand, that is, two years after the date of your separation. So, getting this right is a really important first step.
If you at a different point along the process it can be very hard if you want to work the relationship out and can often leave you very vulnerable trying to catch up to the person who is ahead of you on the divorce continuum.
It is important to have as much support as possible as you work through the process of separation, otherwise you can experience very overwhelming feelings of not being able to cope or you simply bury your head in the sand and do not attend to getting your lawyer all that is required to assist with finalising your divorce.
This leads to increased negative emotions, can leave you feeling as if you are in stuck in a dark place and significantly increases your legal fees and time taken to divorce. As often your ex perceives your not replying to correspondence as deliberate or thinks you are just “delaying” matters as a tactic, when really your mental health is suffering and you are simply not coping.
Working with a divorce coach and your divorce lawyer can significantly help you with the separation process. A divorce coach is your guiding light, giving you a toolbox to get through the process and beyond to your best life.
Your divorce lawyer can move you through the legal process faster, as they are able to get what they need from you as soon as it is required. Lawyers for the most part are not trained counsellors/ coaches/psychologists, so it becomes a very costly exercise to treat them as if they are, given most lawyers bill on an hourly basis.
No matter how experienced your divorce lawyer is, they are not there to assist you with removing any blocks that are holding you back, preparing you for a life beyond your relationship, much less guiding you to fulfilling your dream future. Only a divorce coach can assist with devising a life plan moving forward and giving you the tools to achieve that.
